The Healer Needed Healing This Summer

September 10, 2017

It’s been over two months since I’ve written on this blog. Sometimes I’ll notice a big gap on other blogs that I follow and wonder what’s up. But in this crazy age of too much information, it’s often a much-needed respite for both the writer and the reader.

When summer began I said I was taking a break to start my book, “Pink is Everything!”. It’s been over two years since I wrote that blog post and the writing of the book nudges me every single day.

Shriveling pink balloons hang over my desk as a reminder.

I have a pink writing crown to help create magic.

Not one word flowed out of me this summer.

Now, as I ease back into my online presence, still feeling some resistance, wanting to be back in the woods, or on the lake, I feel like all I can muster is some stream of consciousness. So here goes.


The healer needed healing this summer
Old wounds
I could feel it in my heart
and in my lungs
Self blame
Blame from others
The kind that takes hold of you
and nails you to a cross
My wise friend who looks to the stars
and the planets
for information
said that it was time
to let go
move forward
forgive myself
heal old wounds
come down from the cross
“Good thing you’re not an addict”
she said,
“Because you might have jumped off a bridge.”
While it helps to have this information of
the planets wreaking havoc in my chart
(Oh, Pluto, you are relentless)
as my soul aches to live the life I chose
it doesn’t make the journey any less painful
So I put on my big girl pants
and left the comfort of my home
I traveled to find healing
Someone who could help me
recover the piece of my soul
that was left behind
so many years ago
And I gave myself up to
The Mother
I became the river
rushing downstream
I became the tree
in the forest
I became the flowers
in the meadow
The drumbeat and the flute
and the always burning fire
helped prepare me for
what I needed to do
who I needed to face
In all of this inner turmoil
a mother bear appeared to me
one afternoon as I journeyed
to the Lower World
She came walking down a path
deep in the woods
paws outstretched
She took my hands and said
“Barbara, why are you afraid of me?”
(addressing my bear-in-the-woods-phobia)
“Don’t you know I’ve been guiding you?”
She imparted her motherly wisdom upon me
and after a great big bear hug
turned and lumbered back down the forest path
When the thunderstorm broke weeks later
figuratively, not literally
as I faced my past
it was heartbreaking
but it was cleansing
I have not cried those primal tears
since my beloved died
The kind that leaves your ribs
feeling crushed and bruised
head throbbing
but eyes washed clean
and heart just a bit lighter
less burdened
I felt the presence of the
Mama Bear
whispering her wisdom
in my ear
I will not go back on that cross
I’m moving on because
a healer can’t help others
unless she’s healed herself

I really didn’t want to write about this
hard truth
so deeply personal
I wanted to write about
the books I read
over the summer
the lakes I swam in
the trees I met
the road trip that helped to mend
my aching heart
But sometimes you’ve just gotta
let it out
one last push
as they say in childbirth
Gotta go through the fire
to truly be reborn
and carry on
to do what we’re here to do
Like Daenerys Targaryen
the Mother of Dragons
I can’t help myself
Best to end this serious
stream of consciousness
with a little bit of levity
I only recently went down
the Game of Thrones rabbit hole
because ultimately
I couldn’t resist a story
with dragons
After all,
sometimes an encounter
with a dragon
or a mother bear
(never mind if it’s only
a dream, or a TV show)
can set you on the path
of healing



  1. Healing from the past is an arduous process. And it takes courage just to enter that process. Plus faith in the liberation that awaits you. You’ll need to be patient with yourself, too. But judging from the writing of yours I’ve so enjoyed, you are well on your way, fellow seeker, and I can only say again, Bravo to you!

  2. Thank you for writing this. I needed to read it and see that others go through things similar to my experience. Thank you for your courage to write about it.

  3. Glad your back. Thanks for sharing your journey❤️

  4. Thank you. THANK YOU. THANK YOU!!! A resounding “YES!” to each line that flowed forth from you. I love you, Love. <3

  5. Thanks for this Barb, it came at a time when I’m really resisting the truth and the tears. I’d much rather talk about the lakes I swam in, the trees I met…but alas growth is calling us both. This gives me courage…thank you.

  6. This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing <3

  7. Dear Barbara, after reading the first few words I had an urge to give you a humongous hug! But then I read that you got the best kind of all hugs — from Mama Bear! Thank you for once again opening up about those bits which are hardest to acknowledge and embrace about ourselves, never mind share with an audience. Sending you tonnes of love… and another big hug. You are amazing, and I feel privileged to learn from you.

  8. lovely poem, so brave to share. Came upon your site due to recent diagnosis with EBV. I need to heal this healer too!

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